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October 7, 2009 / theoldsilly

Hilarious Hump Day – Believe it or Not Bio

As a writer, published author, public speaker and entertainer, I often get asked to send along a short biography for promotional and/or informational purposes to publishing houses, booking agencies, etc. It had been a while since I redid mine, so I took my time and really whipped up the perfect short bio. Here, read this and tell me – is this not just best?

~~~~~

Boy MarvinBorn at a very early age, in a small, modest northern cabin that he helped his father to build, Marvin Dean Wilson learned quickly and grew up fast, attaining twenty one years of age well before he or his peers had even graduated from high school. He went on to become a carpenter, using his natural god-given masonry skills to the best of his ability, and was quickly put in charge of his family’s  entire used car sales operation – an enterprise his family had become famous for all over the county, wheeling and dealing from their junkyard-jammed front, side, and back yards.

Marvin soon tired of the world of redneck entrepreneurship however, and decided, at the age of thirty, to retire to the woods and contemplate his navel. After seven years in the Naval Service, he decided he had served his countryside long enough and, upon returning home and watching a Jimmy Swaggart special, he knew in a flash of enlightenment, beyond any shadow of doubt, he had found his true mission in life. Televangelism!

He went on to make millions duping poor, simple folks out of their money in return for his forty-dollar-a-pop, personally kissed and blessed plastic Jesus figurines, and after getting caught in an illicit affair with his secretary and being found guilty of skimming off the non-profit ministry’s coffers – all of which, by the way, he vehemently denies any wrong doing in or responsibility for – the devil make him do it! – he took up writing while behind bars as his preferred golden years career. What the hell, he figured … beats working for a living. And taxpayers were footing the bill for his stay, so what could be better?

Today he is a free man, still working full time and completely retired, happily penning – of all things, novels, and trying his best to enjoy a return to his roots. Root canals, that is.

~~~~~

Now tell me – who in their right mind wouldn’t offer a contract to someone with with that impressive of a background?

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41 Comments

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  1. Ron Berry / Oct 7 2009 6:44 am

    You do belong to the liars club, right? I forget when their next competition is taking place. You were born at an early age? How odd. I thought the only live births back in those days were eggs. You said you did speaking engagements but that you are also incarcerated. That really isn’t fair since you had a çaptive’audience. I’m still trying to figure out where carpenter skills come in handy in used cars, except to help build a better story.

    A good one my friend.

    • theoldsilly / Oct 7 2009 8:22 am

      Hey now – what you callin’ me a liar? I strongly RESEMBLE that remark! 😉

  2. Elizabeth Spann Craig / Oct 7 2009 7:44 am

    I love the fact that you helped construct the cabin you were born in. Good for you! So few fetuses do so nowadays… 😉

    Elizabeth
    Mystery Writing is Murder

    • theoldsilly / Oct 7 2009 8:23 am

      Yes, it’s sad … fetuses these days are such slackards!

  3. Cactus Annie / Oct 7 2009 7:52 am

    What about standup comic? Surely you’ve got THAT in your background/resume also! LOL – what a stich – thanks for the yuks, Marv. 🙂

    • theoldsilly / Oct 7 2009 8:24 am

      I do sit down comedy, Cactus – too lazy for standup. 😉

  4. Crystal Clear Proofing / Oct 7 2009 8:48 am

    Well I for one would be sure to offer you a contract! Can’t get more impressive than that! No doubt you performed amazing feats while still in the womb also!

    You have no idea how much I needed this LAUGH today my friend! Thank you. ((HUG))

    • theoldsilly / Oct 7 2009 9:00 am

      Oh yeah, Crystal – back in the Cervix I was Semen First Class! 😉

  5. Barbra Kelser / Oct 7 2009 8:48 am

    My my my – what a diverse background! LOL – Ehm, got any of those $40 plastic Jesus’s left? I think you could use some prayer yourself, hahahahaaa

    Thanks for the Hump Day laffs – made my morning a little brighter. 🙂

  6. Stephen Tremp / Oct 7 2009 9:22 am

    I can see Jon Lovitz as the liar from SNL telling this story as I read it. Hilarious. ANd I’m still waiting for my persoanl plastic Jesus I ordered twenty yearas ago. Is it in the mail yet?

    • theoldsilly / Oct 7 2009 10:05 am

      OMG! Did you keep your tracking number? How horrible – all these years with no plastic blessing! Well not MY fault – blame FedEX or my shipping/fulfillment department. Sorry, no refunds – good luck!

  7. malsburymichelle / Oct 7 2009 9:29 am

    Hello Marvin. True or not that does make for a very good read. I wonder what hollywood producer will be ringing your bell next?

    • theoldsilly / Oct 7 2009 10:06 am

      Well as long as it isn’t Roman Polanski – I don’t need any more trouble! 😉

  8. Jane Kennedy Sutton / Oct 7 2009 10:22 am

    Now that I realize how boring my bio is, I’m wondering if you’ve thought about going into the bio writing business !?! Enjoyed the laugh.

    • theoldsilly / Oct 7 2009 10:24 am

      Oh sure, Jane! Fory bucks a pop, and we’ll have ya all written up in the tallest tale of lies imaginable! 😉

  9. Helen Ginger / Oct 7 2009 10:39 am

    Don’t laugh Marvin. That post may get you a deal. Look who they’re giving deals to nowadays – the guy who didn’t throw anything away for a year, anorexic celebrities who walk around in a fat suit for two hours then write a 500 page book about the stigma of being fat (with 400 pictures of themselves at parties and on set of their movies), drug addicts who turn out to be not so much of a drug addict as a fiction writer, and on and on. Frankly, your “life” sounds interesting enough to sell and you don’t even claim to be writing nonfiction. I hope you soon announce a book deal. Besides that, you’re funny.

    Helen
    Straight From Hel

    • theoldsilly / Oct 7 2009 10:55 am

      You know, I think you got a point, here, Helen. Methinks a wacko fictional memoir might be just the thing in today’s market. Yeah, that’s the ticket! (Jon Lovit’s voice) 😉

  10. Bluestocking / Oct 7 2009 10:39 am

    You are so crazy!!

  11. Jean Henry Mead / Oct 7 2009 10:49 am

    LOL, Marv. Great way to get your messages across. 🙂

  12. Jeannine Gardella / Oct 7 2009 10:51 am

    Both of our dads had a great sense of humor, the more corny the joke, all the better. They would both be laughing now along with the rest of us.

    Cousin Jeannine

    • theoldsilly / Oct 7 2009 10:53 am

      You are SO right, Jeannine – I’m just doing my part to keep the old traditional Wilson humor alive! lol – in fact, the first sentence in that post is a direct quote from one of my Dad’s favorite funny lines. (wink)

  13. CatLadyLarew / Oct 7 2009 11:33 am

    I’d hire ya! For what, I don’t know, but I’d hire ya!

  14. katrina / Oct 7 2009 11:44 am

    You are such a nut!!! Certainly you deserve it!! Especially if you can keep a straight face while peddling that mess.

    • theoldsilly / Oct 7 2009 11:50 am

      Yeah – the straight face – that’s the hardest part, lol. But watch the master at work! 😉

  15. Terri / Oct 7 2009 11:45 am

    What a great laugh. I have literally been laughing out loud, my dog thinks I’ve lost it. I really don’t think i ever had it!
    Thank you so much.

    • theoldsilly / Oct 7 2009 11:51 am

      Well if you FIND it, pleeeeeease help me find mine too? lol

  16. Elspeth Antonelli / Oct 7 2009 11:54 am

    An impressive bio! I was surprised that you didn’t have to walk 20 miles in the snow to school; uphill both ways.

    Elspeth

    • theoldsilly / Oct 7 2009 2:18 pm

      Darn – forgot to leave that part out! Thanks for the reminder, Elspeth! 😉

  17. quirkyloon / Oct 7 2009 2:24 pm

    Sounds good, honest, and most of all NORMAL to me.

    Don’t you know? Weird is the new black.

    It’s ON!

    hee hee

    • theoldsilly / Oct 7 2009 3:29 pm

      Hmm, well, yes – I suppose all that WOULD seem quite normal to YOU, Quirkster! 😉

  18. L. Diane Wolfe / Oct 7 2009 2:25 pm

    Seems pretty impressive to me!

  19. Galen Kindley / Oct 7 2009 3:48 pm

    Hmmm. Well, this coooould be an effective bio. I’m thinking it depends on the job for which you’re applying. If it’s last week’s revolutionary leader…you’re in. If it’s bank president, wait, you’re in for that one too. It’s the jail time that makes that one work, it’s a prerequisite for the job…either before, or after.

    Best Regards, Galen

    Imagineering Fiction Blog

    • theoldsilly / Oct 7 2009 3:50 pm

      Hey you know, Galen – you’d make the perfect agent for me, dude!

  20. yvonne lewis / Oct 7 2009 4:24 pm

    Sheer joy of a read, I think I was born at the same age as you.

    Yvonne.

    • theoldsilly / Oct 7 2009 7:22 pm

      Thanks Yvonne -yes I think we’re running close in years. 😉

  21. ReformingGeek / Oct 7 2009 8:37 pm

    You lost me with “born at a very early age” and using your masonry skills. Yippee!

    Great job, Marvin!

  22. Patricia Stoltey / Oct 7 2009 11:14 pm

    Just exactly what kind of a contract were you looking for? LOL

  23. Enid Wilson / Oct 8 2009 4:51 am

    No mention of the hippie years and truckloads of girlfriends?

    Steamy Darcy

    • theoldsilly / Oct 8 2009 6:36 am

      Shhh! Enid! I told you not to tell! 😉

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