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October 18, 2009 / theoldsilly

Dear Old Silly Sunday

For ages now, the Old Silly has been asked for words of wisdom by seekers of truth, couples in need of counseling, those in pursuit of wealth, happiness, mental/physical/spiritual/emotional health, sexual fulfillment, etc., as well as the occasional stupid questions about, oh – stuff like why is the sky blue, why is the alphabet in that order, and so on.

I don’t know what it is, why they come to me, I mean maybe it’s some sort of misguided belief that I have gone through enough ridiculous, outlandish, and downright foolhardy experiences in life – and lived through them, to qualify as a kind of mentor in matters of … what I don’t really know. But ask they do, pleading for pearls of wisdom drawn from my nearly 60 years’ accumulation of old fart philanthropical philosophy.

So I thought I’d do an occasional feature here on this blog where I select one or two of the more idiotic exemplary questions I’ve received and impart my precious pearls of  post-paternal pontifications and instructions for deriving satisfaction in life, in the form of a post that all can share in.

Sound like fun? I didn’t think so either, but please bear with me, these numbskulls poor people need guidance. And I’m sure in addition to my sarcastic and cynical helpful responses to these pleas for help and guidance, y’all Free Spirit readers, being of the highest caliber of wise folks in all of Bloggydom, can add your advice as well in the comments.

Okay? Good. Here we go. Today’s question is as follows-

frustrated woman 4Dear Old Silly-

My 13 year old son is driving me crazy. All he wants to do all day is read books, practice his guitar and piano, study foreign languages, work on advanced math, exercise, and play hard at sports. Achieve, achieve, achieve – that’s all he thinks or cares about. He’s making me so worried – we are a poor family, from a long line of welfare recipients, and nobody in our family lineage has ever amounted to anything – we’re all losers. How do I get him to understand that he’ll never amount to anything either? I’m so afraid for him, how it’ll break his heart and crush him forever when he wakes up one day and realizes he just doesn’t have what it takes to be successful in this world. It’s not in our blood. What can I say to him? How can I get through to him? He’s dead set on becoming more than he can ever be – and I, as a responsible and concerned parent, am crying inside over what might become of him!


Mrs. Lou Zer 

Wise Old SillyDear Mrs. Lou Zer-

First, you must die as soon as possible. This is imperative! It will save you the pain of seeing your boy struggle for success. Plus, it’ll get one less unbelieving nag of a worry wart out of his life. Then pray to be reborn into his family in 20 or so years, where you can be raised properly with some semblance of intelligence, ambition and drive …  in place of the empty, sadsack, black hole of a brain and heart you have now.

That’s your best shot, trust me. Now go, there’s an electrical storm brewing outside – go stand in a puddle of water whilst flying a tin foil kite with a copper string attached, and in doing so you’ll help strengthen the gene pool. God bless, and better luck next time.

Yours Truly,

The Old Silly


Please feel free to offer additional advise for Mrs. Lou Zer and/or add your thoughts to today’s counseling session in the comments gallery. 

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  1. Marcus Franks / Oct 18 2009 8:46 am

    Great advice! LOL. Seriously, I can’t STAND it when I hear trashy parents dissin their kids and telling them they’re stupid and/or can’t ever amount to anything. Fun post, but also some biting meaning to it.

  2. Cactus Annie / Oct 18 2009 9:07 am

    LMAO! I have some distant white trash relatives that need THIS counseling session!

  3. yvonne lewis / Oct 18 2009 9:17 am

    Great advice Marvin, couldn’t putit better myself.


  4. Barbra Kelser / Oct 18 2009 9:37 am

    Too funny. Except when you really SEE kids being held back by unfit parents. This will make a clever feature series, Dr. Old Silly! 😉

  5. Katrina Wampler / Oct 18 2009 10:15 am

    Oh I had some wonderful advice for both of you … but it will have to wait. I need to go change my pants now after peeing all over myself from laughter!!

    Got any advice for that? No wait, I don’t think I want to hear it.

    Off to the men’s room I go.

    • theoldsilly / Oct 18 2009 2:59 pm

      LOL, well I hope you are – erm, relieved, now? 😉

  6. L. Diane Wolfe / Oct 18 2009 10:18 am

    LOL! Great advice, Marvin!

  7. ReformingGeek / Oct 18 2009 10:54 am

    Oh my. That horrible child. Get some government-assisted counseling for that family.


  8. quirkyloon / Oct 18 2009 1:00 pm

    For Marvin’s eyes only: Thanks for keeping my identity anon. Really, thanks! I’m going outside now to hopefully get zapped by some lightning or if I’m lucky maybe some of that ice-water from the moon will be falling down in ice shards and hopefully it will stab me in the heart or brain.

    Heaven forbid it stab me in the leg or arm and end up being a non-fatal wound!

    That would be my luck, though.

    • theoldsilly / Oct 18 2009 3:00 pm

      Nah I wouldn’t name names for real, gotta protect the Quirkster. But DO get some help, hun – YIKES! Watch it, here comes another lightning bolt!

  9. AmyLK / Oct 18 2009 1:05 pm

    Love the advice! There are families where this does seem to be true!

  10. Stanley Berber / Oct 18 2009 2:30 pm

    Hahahahaaaa! Perfect. Weaken the gene pool is what a LOT of nitwit parent wannabes do, that’s for sure. 😉

  11. Helen Ginger / Oct 18 2009 6:18 pm

    Wait a minute, wait a minute, Old Silly. Miz Lou Ser is pretty dang good at grammar. Notice her use of commas and apostrophes. Now, she may be clueless as to the rules of grammar, but she’s doing pretty good for a nincompoop. Give her a book on grammar, then while she’s putting it under a leaky potted plant, get that child outta there.

    Straight From Hel

  12. Enid Wilson / Oct 18 2009 10:49 pm

    Marvin, you must insure yourself with professional indemnity insurance. I’m afraid some hyper annoying parents will sue the pants off you with such advice.

    Bargain with the Devil


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