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November 1, 2009 / theoldsilly

Dear Old Silly Sunday – Charlie Didn’t Brown Nose

Welcome back to the Dear Old Silly Show. Today’s counseling session is in response to the following inquiry I received a few short days ago:

Goth KidsDear Old Silly-

Me and my girlfrend was like watchin sum stupid old reruns the other day and we wer like, WTF? I’d like to no wat the older generashun saw in such unrelistic kid’s cartoon shows like Charlie Brown. I mean, evrything is all nicey nice and nobody swears or nuthin’, ther ain’t no sexual shit stuff hapnin’, kids play silly “fun” games like baseball and you nevr see em playin video games like “Bitch-Slap da Ho and F yer Daddy,” you know, stuff like kids luv to play thes days. Ther’s no reelism to a sho like Charlie Brown like ther is in Beavis and Butthead or South Park, you no wat I meen? I don’t get it – wat was the point of such a meeningles, boring sho for kids? I’m sixteen yers old now and me and my frends wen we wach old Charlie Brown re-runs it’s like – how stupid! No akchun, no nothin’ goin’ on! Whadayou think?

Sincerly Wit the Times,

Stuart Pitt

Wise Old SillyDear Mr. Stu Pitt-

You are so right. I must apologize for my entire generation, Mr. Charles Schultz, the creator of the ridiculously unrealistic Charlie Brown Show included, for not having come up with more entertaining and valuable children’s shows. I am sorry that Charlie Brown never banged Peppermint Patty while Linus watched, never masturbated for the little tykes’ viewing pleasure, sorry that Charlie’s dad was not a beer guzzling scum who beat his wife and kids. Sally never mooned the camera, not once, how massively disappointing, and Woodstock, sad to say, never told dirty jokes. Terrible television. 

I do heartily apologize that there was no cussing amongst the young characters – how so not real, right? They had no body piercings, regretfully,  nor did they have tattoos all over their bodies like any normal kid these days. And the fact that none of the kids stole stuff and bragged about it or used and sold drugs – outrageous! What planet was this drivel supposed to have been taking place on?

And playing baseball for fun – gah – not acceptable. I’m sorry they didn’t play strip poker while drinking booze they stole from their parents and they never had sex with their babysitters. That would have been much better a way to prepare youngsters with realistic expectations in this world. Charlie Brown, and this is SO not natural, never looked under and up the skirt of his teacher, Mrs. Othmar, so we were never treated to clever and snide remarks about her fluffy brown beaver – what kind of kid never does that, right? Loser, with a capital L.

And Schroeder – played classical music on his piano! What a crock of bull … should’ve been playing grunge rock on an electric guitar with a mountain of amps behind him, screaming hate lyrics well laden with epithets to be anywhere near normal for a kid his age.

Also I must apologize that the Lord’s name was never taken in vain and there was no Jesus character made fun of as an ignominious mental aberration of humanity, insignificant except for as a laughing stock to mock and denigrate. I’m so sorry.

I am also sorry that Snoopy was never shown in heat, humping Patty while smoking a cigar. None of those kids ever snuck up behind a little old lady, knocked her over the head with a board and stole her purse – completely out of touch with reality, that glaring absence of happenstances. And – now this one is totally not right … I am deeply disturbed that Lucy never gave Charlie any head, for god’s sake! 

And finally, speaking in general, I apologize for all the missed opportunities to show little children basic survival tactics in life like how to beat the system, be deceitful, lie to and rip each other off, and steal cars. Truly it was a sad world we had to when those kinds of things were the norm on television.

So it is with the utmost regret and humility that I do doff my hat, get down on my knees and, as a representative of my far too clean and healthy minded, naíve generation, do ask of you to please, please … can you find it in your heart to ever grant me and my kind an admittedly undeserved forgiveness?

You can? Oh jolly goodness … I am beside myself with elation. Thank you so much, Stu Pitt, for your benevolent redeeming of my poor, tortured-with-feelings-of-guilt soul!

There. Feel better now? Good. That’ll be $150, cash only please, I wouldn’t take credit or a check from a pathetic, brain dead idiot like you if my boring, shock-value-entertainment-starved-to-the-point-of-abused-during-childhood life depended on it. Leave the dough at the front desk with my perfectly well adjusted fifty-two year old secretary and go jump off a mile high cliff so you can never procreate and thus weaken the gene pool.

Yours Very Truly,

The Old Silly

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23 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. yvonne lewis / Nov 1 2009 6:58 am

    Enjoyed this post very much, brightened up my day.

    Yvonne,

  2. Cactus Annie / Nov 1 2009 7:34 am

    OMG – LMAO! Old Silly you can be the most hilariously sarcastic of anyome! Ha- fun post!!

  3. Ron Berry / Nov 1 2009 8:00 am

    The really scary part is that the spelling does reflect all too much of the kids today. Reading? What’s that? As for the music, or rather lack thereof, what can I say? I happen to be listening to Vivaldi right now. My kids were exposed to all types of music. No alcohol is allowed in the house and NO weapons, especially guns. Yes, it is a sad generation these days.

    I listen to music because most of what is on television isn’t worth watching. We have a lot of video games and toys nowadays. Do any kids actually play outside or have anything near an imagination?

    Good post

    • theoldsilly / Nov 1 2009 3:53 pm

      Know whatcha mean – I think most kids these days would lose their minds in boredom if they had to try and entertain themselves with no TV or internet. Vivaldi, eh? One of my fav composers – also love Stravinski and Debussey.

  4. John Standish / Nov 1 2009 8:24 am

    Well of course every generation of elders thinks the younger generation is stupid and spoiled, but I do agree that the vast majority of TV and video games these days are WAY out of the realm of decency and young people’s imagination is atrophieing in our society.

    And your biting, scathing sarcastic answer was a HOOT! LOL – fun post. 😉

  5. E. Marie / Nov 1 2009 9:33 am

    Dear Mr. Stu Pitt – (You could have ended it there – Enough Said.)

    This piece gives me even greater appreciation for my children and their sense of value.

    I have to admit that I was stuck on “akchun” for a minute.

    • theoldsilly / Nov 1 2009 9:38 am

      “my children and their sense of value”

      Marie, I’m so glad to know there are parents left who are teaching their children values. You go, GF!

      • E. Marie / Nov 1 2009 9:54 am

        I wonder if you know Marie – is Kissie. Ohhh….K!

    • theoldsilly / Nov 1 2009 10:16 am

      Oooh yeah – I know KISSIE when I see her! 😉

  6. L. Diane Wolfe / Nov 1 2009 10:11 am

    That really calls attention to the difference in the generations and the times… So sad!

  7. CatLadyLarew / Nov 1 2009 10:16 am

    Hey, I thought Psychiatric Help was only 5 cents. They should have asked Lucy Van Pelt instead of the Old Silly. Must be inflation!

    • theoldsilly / Nov 1 2009 10:17 am

      LOL – yeah, yet ANOTHER sad sign of the times, eh Cat Lady? 😉

  8. tdryden1 / Nov 1 2009 10:23 am

    Oh how true … Even my children hate it when I mention such things to them and what they do with their children. I never know when to keep my mouth shut!
    Glad you said it too … Doesn’t make me feel as old now!!!

    Great post. I could not agree more…
    Terri

  9. Helen Ginger / Nov 1 2009 10:33 am

    What do you really think, Marvin? You’re always holding back. 😉

    What’s hard to take is that it was not so long ago that things were different. Either that, or I’ve just gotten really old.

    Helen
    Straight From Hel

  10. quirkyloon / Nov 1 2009 11:23 am

    Yikes!

    My eyes! They burn!

    I’m sorry, but I was never allowed to watch Charlie Brown cartoons.

    Why?

    Pigpen.

    My mother said it was too “dirty” of a cartoon.

    Sheesh.

    • theoldsilly / Nov 1 2009 2:19 pm

      OH GOSH, Quirky – I’m so sorry for you – such an abused, starved childhood. No WONDER you wound up with a sever fixation and obsession with Zombies!

  11. Stephen Tremp / Nov 1 2009 11:37 am

    Mr. Stu Pitt? I love the play on words. Thanks for the Sunday chuckle, Marvin.

    Stephen Tremp

    • Roberta / Apr 15 2011 9:26 pm

      AFAICT you\’ve covered all the bases with this aswenr!

  12. Jeannine Gardella / Nov 1 2009 2:12 pm

    Good job. Too true to be funny.

  13. Stanley Berber / Nov 1 2009 3:55 pm

    LOL – man I don’t ever wanna lay on the wrong side of YOUR counselor’s couch, Old Silly!

    Loved this.

  14. Enid Wilson / Nov 2 2009 3:06 am

    What are children doing these days? Computer games and internet, unfortunately not for improvement of minds.

    Bargain with the Devil

  15. Leal / Mar 15 2010 1:30 pm

    I, as well, use a pit-bull who may be the most supporting animal I have ever owned. Soon, a new dog breed will arrive together for the media to blast, as they have carried out rotties and dobies in prior many years. Unfortunate that media sensationalism breeds so much inaccurate data.

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