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November 6, 2009 / theoldsilly

A Case for an Old Fogies Armed Forces

New Directive for any war:

Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. What a senseless crock. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit you’re at least 35.

Why? Okay, for starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every ten seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cantankerous soldier is a dangerous soldier. ‘My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry.’  We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

More? An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell? Besides, like I said, ‘I’m tired and can’t sleep’ and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical SOB!

Additionally, if captured, we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact – name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

But that’s not all. I got more. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns … we’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I’ve been in combat and didn’t see a single 20-foot wall with a rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing a field mission.

Actually, come to think of it, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave and how to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

And wait a minute – while we’re on the subject … how about recruiting Women over 50 ….with PMS ! You think men have attitudes! Oh. My. God!

If nothing else, put them on border patrol … we will have it secured the first night!

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35 Comments

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  1. Elizabeth Spann Craig / Nov 6 2009 6:46 am

    Marvin, this was so funny–but also made a lot of sense in a messed up way! 🙂 Good points!

    Elizabeth
    Mystery Writing is Murder

  2. L. Diane Wolfe / Nov 6 2009 8:25 am

    I agree with Elizabeth!

    And the old guys won’t be so busy texting they get capped, either.

  3. Crystal Clear Proofing / Nov 6 2009 9:11 am

    And I agree with both Elizabeth and Diane! What a riot! And excellent points…with ONE EXCEPTION! Darlin’ the best years aren’t necessarily behind you!! Don’t you know life really begins at 50?? (wink)

    And sign me up for border patrol! I’ll help keep those – – well, I’ll help keep ’em out! LOL!

    • theoldsilly / Nov 6 2009 10:14 am

      Crystal – registration begins Monday, and oooh yeah – life after 50 CAN be a new beginning, the Old Silly knows THAT well enough! 😉

  4. Stanley Berber / Nov 6 2009 9:22 am

    Well okay, but only if it’s voluntary – I been drafted once back in the 60’s and damn sure ain’t gonna get drafted again! LOL But – hey – mad, funny, witty and even oh-so-true points here, dude!

  5. Ron Berry / Nov 6 2009 9:34 am

    What can I add? I totally agree.

  6. CatLadyLarew / Nov 6 2009 9:37 am

    I remember the day I realized I was too old to be in the army. It only gave me momentary pause, however. Sending the over 50 crowd overseas would certainly help ease the strain on the social security coffers. (Coffins would be much cheaper.) And gas warfare would take on a whole new meaning.

    But, Oh, Marvin…. PMS after 50? It’s called menopause… pause THAT! Scarier than PMS any day. But we should only be sent to cold climates, due to serious hot flash issues. Just sayin…

    • theoldsilly / Nov 6 2009 10:15 am

      Hmm, yes – those hot flashes – OK, we’ll assign you ladies to the US/Canadian border – deal?

      • Crystal Clear Proofing / Nov 6 2009 11:36 am

        Oh I just HAD to comment on CatLadyLarew’s comment – this whole process of perimenopause – the frickin years-long process of getting it over with! – WAY worse than PMS. That’s why I figured I could do a d*mn good job of border patrol! What time does registration begin on Monday? LOL!!!!!!!!!

  7. Cactus Annie / Nov 6 2009 10:09 am

    I’m with Cat Lady – you don’t wanna MESS with women in menopause! LOL – great case you presented here, old silly – lots of truth in it, too! 😉

  8. Michelle / Nov 6 2009 10:29 am

    Kind of an interesting twist Marvin. Perhaps you have too much free time to think about such things? 🙂

  9. Barbra Kelser / Nov 6 2009 10:37 am

    LMAO! Good one, old silly. I can’t think of ANYthing more firghtful than a pissed off old fogie army backed up by a PMS brigade at the border! LOL 😉

  10. Jeannine Gardella / Nov 6 2009 10:49 am

    I love this! I watched my 18-year-old grandson “try out” the Marine Corps. He sure wasn’t ready to leave home. Where is the petition? I will sign it 🙂

  11. theoldsilly / Nov 6 2009 10:50 am

    LOL – Well all righty then – will start circulating the petition immediately! 😉

  12. Helen Ginger / Nov 6 2009 11:29 am

    Marvin, you are such a hoot. I can’t think of anyone else who woulda come up with this. The really scary thing is…it makes sense, in a weird kinda way.

    Helen
    Straight From Hel

  13. Creative Chronicler / Nov 6 2009 11:38 am

    Thanks for making me laugh this morning! That is a great post!!

  14. Creative Chronicler / Nov 6 2009 11:42 am

    Marvin, you really need to add an email subscriber button so we can get these great post in our boxes.

    • theoldsilly / Nov 6 2009 12:40 pm

      Crystal you CAN subscribe to the posts and the comments – in the right upper hand corner of the front page there are RSS feed subscriptions available -g’on ‘n’ sign up, GF! 😉

      • Creative Chronicler / Nov 6 2009 1:24 pm

        I’ve done that but it doesn’t give me the option to get the post in my email inbox, only to add it to this particular computer’s RSS folder. I am on different computers all the time so I like to get my favorite bloggers in my email so I don’t miss any of the good stuff. I think there is a way to add that option to your RSS subrscriber button, but I’m techi challenged and don’t know how to do that. Crystal’s subscribe button gives you that option, so she might know.

      • theoldsilly / Nov 6 2009 2:11 pm

        Oh I didn’t know exactly how it worked – hmm … okay lemme see what I can do about getting thr RSS feeds to actually show up in email form. Meantime, rest assured there is a new post here EVERY day, so when on your blog-hopping binges, stop on in – I’ll have something for ya. 😉

    • theoldsilly / Nov 6 2009 1:03 pm

      Oops – meant to say “CC” you CAN … lol

  15. Karen Walker / Nov 6 2009 11:54 am

    Hmm, this does make sense in a weird sorta way. That scares me!
    karen

  16. John Standish / Nov 6 2009 1:00 pm

    Love it – too funny, and in lots of ways kinda true! LOL – some of the comments today are off the hook funny, too. 🙂

  17. quirkyloon / Nov 6 2009 2:06 pm

    Bring it on!

    I’ll hot flash my way through the terrorists. They ain’t seen nuttin’ yet!

    For the record, I’m not fifty or over fifty, but I can still my part.

    Have hot-flashes, will fight.

    Ha!

    • theoldsilly / Nov 6 2009 2:12 pm

      Good LAWD! And what a mean, lean, hot flashin fightin machine you’ll be when OVER fifty then, Quirkster! 😉

  18. Marcus Franks / Nov 6 2009 3:23 pm

    Now THAT’s the best idea I’ve heard in at LEAST the last ten minutes! LOL – seriously, what a hoot, dude – you come uith the most hysterical takes on just about anything! 😉

  19. Galen Kindley / Nov 6 2009 4:52 pm

    This is quite clever and one of your best, Marv. Very funny.

    I was told—seriously—the reason the military likes ‘em young, is that, generally, youngsters don’t question authority figures and will do what they’re told more readily than someone with life experience. They’re also more malleable under stressful training. Training to make them do what the military wants. Makes sense. Don’t know about the right or wrong of it, though, but, it’s what we got.

    Best Regards, Galen

    Imagineering Fiction Blog

    • theoldsilly / Nov 6 2009 5:37 pm

      Thanks, Galen – and of course I would not PRESUME to argue with one with YOUR background in the military! lol. Yeah I know why they like em young, but hey – a good spoof is all this is – but you knew that. Have a great weekend, bud!

  20. Jean Henry Mead / Nov 6 2009 4:52 pm

    LOL, Marv. That makes a lot of sense. 🙂

  21. Elspeth Antonelli / Nov 6 2009 5:17 pm

    This is a wonderful post, both very funny and very logical. Well done! I would add parents of teenagers to the list. We’ve seen it all and we’re cranky. We can tell when something’s up from 10 miles away.

    Elspeth

  22. ReformingGeek / Nov 6 2009 6:43 pm

    You’ve got it right, Marvin!

    Quirky and I will take them down.

  23. yvonne lewis / Nov 6 2009 7:32 pm

    This Marvin was to me hilarious, I would like to see a man with pms……..he’d spend the time in bed 18 yrs or 60. lol.

    Yvonne.

  24. Jane Kennedy Sutton / Nov 6 2009 7:34 pm

    Really funny and so true in so many ways. Though wouldn’t it be great to live in a world where the young, old, male or female never has to go off to war.

  25. Marylee / Nov 7 2009 6:01 pm

    Secured border in one night? Darn right….can’t sleep because of the hot flashes and insomnia..might as well do something productive! 🙂

  26. E. Marie / Nov 8 2009 5:35 pm

    If only.

    Amusing, nonetheless.

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