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December 23, 2009 / theoldsilly

Hilarious Hump Day – Stuff Your Stocking With This!

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize. A cousin of mine passed it on to me, and I thought it to be the perfect Christmas week Hilarious Hump Day post. Enjoy!

~~~~~ 

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go, you’ll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, ‘What does this do?’ ‘You’re kidding me!’ ‘Who would buy that?’ Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. ‘Love Dolls’ come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for ‘Lovable Louise.’ She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a ‘doll’ took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. ‘What the hell is that?’ she said.

My brother quickly explained, ‘It’s a doll.’

‘Who would play with something like that?’ Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

‘Where are her clothes?’ Granny continued.

‘Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,’ Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. ‘Why doesn’t she have any teeth?’

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, ‘Hang on Granny, hang on!’

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ‘Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?’

I told him she was Jay’s friend.

A few minutes later, I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health..

I can’t wait till next Christmas.

~~~~~

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18 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. yvonne lewis / Dec 23 2009 7:06 am

    What a post? I enjoyed it right to the last word.
    What’s in store this Christmas?

    Yvonne.

  2. Jane Kennedy Sutton / Dec 23 2009 8:19 am

    I can see the scene so clearly that I won’t be able to get it out of my head any time soon! Thanks for the laugh.

    Merry Christmas to you and your family.

    • theoldsilly / Dec 23 2009 1:31 pm

      LOL, it is rather strong imagery, hmm? Same to you and yours, Jane!

  3. John Standish / Dec 23 2009 8:56 am

    LMAO! What vivid imagery – thanks for sharing this, old silly!

  4. Barbra Kelser / Dec 23 2009 8:57 am

    Haha! Gramps is still a little on the horny side, eh? Tee hee – good one today! 🙂

  5. Terri / Dec 23 2009 9:35 am

    OMG, I needed that laugh this morning!!! So cute…I can just see something like that happening!
    Merry Christmas everyone!

  6. unwriter1 / Dec 23 2009 9:41 am

    Ok, where do I find that doll? Oh wait, first I have to build a fireplace. No, first I have to add an addition on to the house so we have room for the fireplace. Then I have to talk my better half into buying a pair of panty hose (she doesn’t like them). Darn it, ran out of money, can’t afford any more than the magazine showing the picture of the addition I want.

    Good post old silly.

    • theoldsilly / Dec 23 2009 1:32 pm

      Haha – a matter of first things first, eh, Unwriter?

  7. quirkyloon / Dec 23 2009 10:01 am

    Tee hee.

    Tee hee.

    Tee hee.

    Made me chuckle.

    Dolls!

  8. Jeannine Gardella / Dec 23 2009 12:23 pm

    We all need a little levity. Christmas dinners can be so stuffy sometimes. 🙂

  9. Cactus Annie / Dec 23 2009 1:52 pm

    OMG – I can just picture it! LMBO – great Hump Day post for Christmas week, Old Silly! 🙂

  10. Stanley Berber / Dec 23 2009 1:53 pm

    Still holding my sides laughing … good one!

  11. Helen Ginger / Dec 23 2009 2:30 pm

    So funny. Wish I had written it!

    Helen
    Straight From Hel

  12. L. Diane Wolfe / Dec 23 2009 2:55 pm

    Oh, I hope someone got a photo! Where’s Candid Camera when you need it?

  13. Galen Kindley / Dec 23 2009 3:01 pm

    I can understand grandpa’s chatting “her” up. At that age (Trust me, I know.) it’s the only woman who’ll listen.

    Best Regards, Galen.

  14. Stephen Tremp / Dec 23 2009 3:12 pm

    Duct tape, the fixer-upper of everything. Gotta have duct tape if you want to tell a good story.

    Stephen Tremp

  15. Alex J. Cavanaugh / Dec 23 2009 3:49 pm

    About lost my drink on that one, Marvin!

  16. ReformingGeek / Dec 23 2009 4:42 pm

    LOL! Poor Louse!

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