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March 21, 2010 / theoldsilly

Dear Old Silly Sunday – He’s Not Out of the Woods Yet!

Dear Old Silly-

I’m so upset with Cheetah Woods. He’s told me I was his one true love for like, ever, and that if I stayed as his “full time mistress” he would divorce his wife and come be my man and mine only. Now all this shit crap comes out about him, I find out he’s got like, I don’t know, some 16 or 17 other mistresses, and he’s claiming he’s going to stay with his wife. I’m feeling scorned, Old Silly. I even cancelled the role I had lined up in my next porn movie (would have been my 19th movie, and I was going to get paid very well, too) so I could be with him when he travelled to the next tournament, and then, BAM! … he just drops out of the playing field and dumps me. Going to some stupid “sex rehab” clinic or some shit junk.

Rehab my ass. Have you read the text messages he sent me? That man is a dirty-pervert-sex-loving animal, trust me. Even the hunk-studs in my movies can’t keep up with his longlasting libido and kinkyness.

So. Here’s what I’m asking. I know Cheetah, he’s just fronting right now, trying to save his ass and image and endorsement contracts, you know … means millions. And I know damn well he’ll be TMing me and calling me when the heat cools down, wanting another sex session with me, telling me all the public statements to the contrary I should just ignore – he really, really, actually does love me more than all the others. What do I tell him? I really do love him, Old Silly, and I know deep down he loves me too … he’s told me over and over that I’m his one true love, all the other girls are just playthings to him. Should I trust him and take him back? If he apologizes sincerely?

Sincerely Fed Up and Demanding an Apology,

Scorned Porn

Dear Ms. Porn-

If you think that a man who can’t stay faithful to a woman as beautiful as this man’s wife, who lies to scores of female playmates about them being his “one true love,” and who obviously has a libido as large as Texas with a wanderlust more unsatiable than the Hungry Ghosts of Hell, would actually settle down and be faithful to you as his one-and-only, then …

By all means, sucka, take him back when he resumes his dirty talk TM’s to you. I’d say you two deserve each other. And with the way his career is going, you might want to help him get a role in one of your next cinematic masterpiecesofass. I mean, if he’s all that in the sack, he’s certainly qualified for the job, and lord knows he’s going to need a job, hmm?

Good luck!

The Old Silly

~~~~~

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22 Comments

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  1. Barbra Kelser / Mar 21 2010 6:30 am

    “Cheetah” Woods – very clever, Old Silly, lol. Totally agree, Joslyn James (I know who you’re insinuating) and Cheetah were “made” for each other, ha ha.

    Women having affairs with a married guy and who think a cheating husband is going to be faithful the THEM – are stupid. Period.

  2. Stanley Berber / Mar 21 2010 6:55 am

    “Masterpiecesofass”!? LOLWROG! Riiiiiiight, Marv – they really DO deserve each other.

  3. Mason Canyon / Mar 21 2010 7:03 am

    Great post with words of wisdom sprinkled about.

  4. Cactus Annie / Mar 21 2010 7:16 am

    Too funny, Old Silly – but also sad. So true that girls who have affairs with married guys are stupid if they think the guy will all of a sudden turn “faithful” with them. Idiots. Love the “Cheetah” and “masterpiecesofass” play on words, lol. 😉

  5. Ron Berry / Mar 21 2010 7:22 am

    good play on woods, er, words. He does know where his balls go and he doesn’t believe in a hole in one.

    • theoldsilly / Mar 21 2010 8:41 am

      LOL, you’re feeling rather playful on words yourself, Ron! 😉

  6. Elizabeth Spann Craig / Mar 21 2010 7:31 am

    I’m seeing “Cheetah” Woods being picked up by the media….too clever, Marvin!

    Elizabeth
    Mystery Writing is Murder

  7. Alex J. Cavanaugh / Mar 21 2010 7:32 am

    Two idiots that deserve each other!

  8. yvonne lewis / Mar 21 2010 7:35 am

    Once a cheetah always a cheetah is my motto. bury him in the bunker where he belongs.

    Happy Sunday.
    Yvonne.

  9. Thelma Banks / Mar 21 2010 8:39 am

    Cheetah and Ms. Porn were meant to putt around together, lol. Two “ho’s” in one.

    Good counseling today, Old Silly.

    • theoldsilly / Mar 21 2010 8:42 am

      Two “ho’s” in one – lol, love it, thelma!

  10. John Standish / Mar 21 2010 8:48 am

    LOL, love the play on words. I’m with Elizabeth – “Cheetah Woods” will soon be an mass media moniker – VERY clever.

    And OMG – thanks for the link to Elin’s page. Good lord, what is Cheetah thinking? … his wife is HOT!

  11. MadMadMargo / Mar 21 2010 8:51 am

    Remember when there was a time the only Tiger we referenced was Tony the Tiger?

    As Dr Phil would say, “The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior”.

  12. ReformingGeek / Mar 21 2010 8:55 am

    You are SO clever! I think Cheetah has a great future in the porn business!

  13. Marcus Franks / Mar 21 2010 8:58 am

    Too funny. Cheetah Woods, lol. And “masterpieceofass” is what ELIN is, man … any guy who isn’t happy enough with THAT chick at home to stay faithful has gotta be out of his freaking mind!

  14. Jim Hansen / Mar 21 2010 9:04 am

    If Cheetah divorces Elin and goes with Joslyn, I’ll be on the first plane to wherever Elin is staying. Any healthy hetero guy in his right mind would give his left NUT to be with her!

    Excellent and clever counseling session today, Old Silly, lol … 😉

  15. Helen Ginger / Mar 21 2010 9:07 am

    Who were you talking about, Marvin? Gotta quit being so subtle, man.

    Helen
    Straight From Hel

  16. Kissie / Mar 21 2010 9:26 am

    #1 Do you know how many “sex addicts” there are in this world? Do you know how many people are turned on by the sext messages and the idea of the things they say he likes and does? Do you know that advertising he has a libido the size of Texas spells MORE TROUBLE?

    Don’t mistake my questions for wanting to be one to get some of that – I’m BLACK. 100%! And, I prefer a wholesome relationship – not this “this is how it’s done these days” affair.

    #2 Do you really think his career is over? Wow. I know nothing about golf and have been enjoying the SNL clips or parody mocking how it will be now. I guess we will see how well he does when his back on the green – is that what they call it? That’s a shame! All I know is tee, par, and hole…..from doing crosswords.

    #3 How many wives at home agree to the kind of behavior it sounds like he likes to indulge? I don’t think too many. I once heard a comedian say if you ever want to stop getting some “head”, get married. I don’t know, I’ve been married twice and I have to admit (unfortunately) I became rigid and dignified after the I do’s too. My point is I think (and I pray I’m wrong) that Scorned Porn won’t be missing him much longer – if she’s even missing him now. But, it may be another new cast…. this time, the ones who know how to keep it shut. (Their mouths, I mean…..) well, their mouths after he’s gone.

    • theoldsilly / Mar 21 2010 11:24 am

      #1- Of course I know there are many people who are turned on by reading his “I want to slap you around and shove my (bleep) up your (bleep) and hear you squeal when you yadayadayada” TM’s. Nature of the animal, hmm? Doesn’t mean it’s not blog-worthy to comment on.

      #2 – No I don’t think his career is over. This is supposed to be a funny post, with some scathing poignance to it. What I think would be best is for him to either clean up his act and BE the “squeaky clean nice guy” he’s lied to the public and his wife and family about as his “image” – which I seriously doubt he’s capable of, or … get unmarried and be a single, rich, player … then he could screw as many chicks as he wants and not come under fire. I mean, everyone knows that married NFL and NBA players have girls in every city, but they don’t put on any false fronts about it. I’m told when a woman marries a pro athlete making millions a year, she gets “indoctrinated” by the team and other teammates’ wives … take the money and the rich lifestyle and be happy – cuz your man WILL have lots of mistresses, honey – deal with it.

      #3 – It’s too bad so many women, once they get married, feel they have to get all righteous and “dignified” in the bed. Husbands are guys, and guys love a nice, warm, wet and long “mouth hug” once in a while. That’s why so many married men cheat. Their girlfriends will do those kinky things they crave that their wives have no desire to please them with anymore.

      • Kissie / Mar 21 2010 12:23 pm

        #2 is sad. Good grief, I wouldn’t want to be indoctrinated. =(

  17. L. Diane Wolfe / Mar 21 2010 1:23 pm

    Honey, if he’ll cheat on his wife, he’ll cheat on you!

  18. Christina Rodriguez / Mar 22 2010 1:52 pm

    Meh, some folks are only as faithful as their opportunities. I’m just glad I’ve never cared to watch millionaires play golf/football/basketball/baseball or idolize them for their athletic abilities.

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