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May 21, 2010 / theoldsilly

Funny Friday – How to Give a Cat a Pill

I have this wonderful cousin, we’ve been tight friends and yuk yuk cuz’s all our lives. She sent me this hilarious bit of pet humour a few days ago and I thought I’d format it into a post and share it with y’all for some work-week-ending fun and jollies. Enjoy…

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.


9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away.  Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.


11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.  Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss back another shot.  Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road.  Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.  Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room.  Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Now I KNOW all you cat owner/lovers can relate to that, lol. But hey … got a dog? Your job is much easier. Here’s …

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

Done.

~~~~~

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19 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. AK / May 21 2010 4:11 am

    This is hilarious… Am a dog lover and its so easy to feed them a pill… but this was so funny..

    Old silly you sure have some cool friends….

  2. Leeuna / May 21 2010 4:44 am

    I laughed until I cried at this, Marvin. The more I read the funnier it got. Thanks for getting my day off to a fun start. 😀

  3. unwriter1 / May 21 2010 4:49 am

    I’ve seen this before and it is always funny. Thanks for starting the day off right.

  4. Elizabeth Spann Craig / May 21 2010 5:05 am

    I think you hit the nail on the head! Ohhh…too funny. With my dog, I just say I’m giving her a treat and the thing is gone. With the cats, I have to plan ahead!

    Elizabeth
    Mystery Writing is Murder

  5. Stanley Berber / May 21 2010 5:26 am

    Ha! So true dat! Good one(s) this morning, Marv! 🙂

  6. Cactus Annie / May 21 2010 5:27 am

    LOLWROG!!! The cat one just kept building and building till I was like in serious stitches, tee hee hee … I have two cats and a dog and this is SO true!

  7. Mason Canyon / May 21 2010 6:51 am

    Cute, thanks for the laugh this morning.

    Mason
    Thoughts in Progress

  8. Alex J. Cavanaugh / May 21 2010 7:03 am

    The photos made this one, Marvin!

  9. Karen Walker / May 21 2010 8:55 am

    This is just hilarious, and I love those cat photos. We have a dog and you can buy these yummy treats that the pill slides into. Done!
    Karen

  10. ReformingGeek / May 21 2010 9:17 am

    I love this one!

  11. tashabud / May 21 2010 9:19 am

    Very funny. Perhaps, grinding the pill and mix it with some yummy cat food would help? But then again, that would be too easy, boring, and non-eventful, huh?

    Good thing I don’t own any pets, except human pets (kids and grandkids). Tee hee hee.

    I love that last cat picture. Has so much character and personality.

    Tasha

  12. L. Diane Wolfe / May 21 2010 9:21 am

    I LOVE IT!!!!
    Giving a pill to a cat is pure torture for everyone involved.

  13. Elspeth Antonelli / May 21 2010 2:24 pm

    I’ve received this email several times and it never fails to make me laugh. Thanks, Old Silly!

  14. ann / May 21 2010 4:46 pm

    Funny and true :). I love all the cat pictures to go with this.

  15. Leeuna / May 22 2010 2:31 am

    I gave you an award today, Marvin. Drop by my blog sometime today and collect it. 😉

  16. yvonne lewis / May 22 2010 8:11 am

    Love it Marvin: When my husband was alive our cat was diagnosed with diabetes and needed injections twice daily, we had to be taught by the vet how to do this……I said we but meant my husband, when he could prove he could do the job we were left to our own devices, The first time my husband injected her this is how it went, cat saw the needle and ran upstairs and hid under the bed, we retrieved her got the ironing board out put one cat on it, husband stood one side with needle I the other holding cat, The job was complete, this proceedure was done everyday until my daughter who lived some 40 miles from us phoned to say she felt ill so husband went to collect her, cat needed injection only me there, Cat eating her food, so I got the insulin bent down and injected her whilst she was eating, from then on I did it all ther time.
    Unfortunately husband passed away soon after so it was just as well I learnt how to do it, Cat went on for a further 2 years.

    Yvonne,

  17. Cassandra Jade / May 22 2010 5:04 pm

    That was awesome. Thanks so much for sharing.

  18. Christina Rodriguez / May 26 2010 11:20 am

    See? Dogs are easy. Cheese also makes a great wrapper for doggie pills, too. (Hey, more bacon for me!)

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