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August 11, 2010 / theoldsilly

Hilarious Hump Day – Viva la Difference

For this week’s jocular mid-week pick-me-up I’m posting some of the better “Men vs. Women” funny comparisons I’ve come across and stored over the years. Enjoy, and feel free to add any of your own silly gender comparisons in the comments gallery. All in good fun, now, let’s keep this on a level where us guys won’t get in any trouble!

~~~~~

First up: The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women

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  1. Fine – I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.
  2. That’s Okay – One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you’ll pay for your mistake.
  3. Nothing – The calm before the storm. This means “Something” and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with “Nothing” usually end with “Fine” (See #1).
  4. Five Minutes – If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don’t be mad about this. It’s the same definition for you when it’s your turn to do some chores around the house.)
  5. Thanks – A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, “You’re welcome,” and let it go.
  6. Loud Sigh – Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about “Nothing.” (See #3)
  7. Go Ahead – This is a dare, not permission. (Don’t Do It!)
  8. Don’t worry about it, I got it – The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response, see #3.)

And secondly, categorized: The Basic Differences Between Man and Women

Names

If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.

If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out

When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.

When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money

A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.

A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn’t need, because it’s on sale.

Bathrooms

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A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.

The average number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.

Arguments

Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats

Women love cats.

Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, men will kick cats.

Future

A woman worries about the future — until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future — until he gets a wife.

Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.

A successful woman is one who can find that a man.

Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

Dressing Up

A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals, and church on Easter and Christmas.

Natural

Men wake up feeling like they look as good as when they went to bed.

Women wake up feeling that  somehow they deteriorated during the night.

Children

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Thought for the Day

Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.

~~~~~

That’s it for today, hope you had a smile and a yuk or two, and like I said feel free to add to the fray. Hey make sure and blog back in this Friday – got a great guest feature post coming up for y’all. Chow!

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20 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. Leeuna / Aug 11 2010 5:41 am

    Fine. That’s okay, Marvin. Don’t worry about it, I got it. 🙂 Just kidding. Thanks for the laughs. Have a happy hump day.

  2. Helen Ginger / Aug 11 2010 6:48 am

    ~Silence~ ….Fine.

    You’ve started the day with a smile. Happy Wednesday, Marvin.

    Helen

  3. AmyLK / Aug 11 2010 8:16 am

    Happy Hump Day. Thanks for the laughs!

  4. AK / Aug 11 2010 8:19 am

    So true bro! Needed this before I start my day!

  5. Cactus Annie / Aug 11 2010 8:36 am

    LOLWROG! So true … but you left out “whatever” … which also means the guy is in deep doodoo, teehee.

  6. Kissie / Aug 11 2010 8:57 am

    Interested in a sex change?

    • theoldsilly / Aug 11 2010 11:39 am

      Hmm … you know, Kissie, if it weren’t for periods and pregnancy, I just might be, teehee.

      Come to think of it, maybe that’s why you women DESERVE the upper hand! 😉

  7. Ron Berry / Aug 11 2010 8:58 am

    I agree with Cactus, whatever is a critical one. Otherwise, these are all toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo true.

  8. Joyce A. Anthony / Aug 11 2010 10:59 am

    Great post, Marvin–I like starting my day with a smile. You did forget the very first lesson I taught my son (and a little old couple at Walmart overheard me and verified I was correct!). There are two kinds of arguments a man can have with a woman–those he loses and those he can’t win!

    • theoldsilly / Aug 11 2010 11:41 am

      So true, Joyce. Even when we win, we lose … we will pay later, lol.

  9. Marcus Franks / Aug 11 2010 11:42 am

    Ha! Love these, except for the poignant veracity of them!

  10. Alex J. Cavanaugh / Aug 11 2010 12:42 pm

    Those were funny and often scary accurate. Except I really do like cats. Oh, and I’m the one who uses “Nothing” when asked what’s wrong.

  11. ReformingGeek / Aug 11 2010 2:29 pm

    Nothing.

    Fine.

    I saw that (you kicked the cat.)

    A man isn’t a man unless he can identify the power tools in the garage.

  12. yvonne lewis / Aug 11 2010 3:06 pm

    Loved these Marvin do you really know a woman’s mind THAT well?

    Yvonne,

  13. Stephen Tremp / Aug 11 2010 11:17 pm

    Always funny to see the difference between men and women. Good advice: just shut up and be thankful. And yeah, I think there are some short people in my house. I thought they were trolls, but now I wonder.

    Stephen Tremp

  14. Mason Canyon / Aug 12 2010 8:41 am

    Running late stopping by, but just wanted to say thanks for the laugh. These are good.

    Mason
    Thoughts in Progress

  15. Connie Arnold / Aug 12 2010 10:36 am

    I just read these to Tom, and we’ve been having a great laugh! He didn’t comment too much about them, wisely!

  16. tashabud / Aug 15 2010 11:21 am

    Oh, my….I’m afraid many of these are true in my experience. They’re hilarious to read. Thanks for the chuckles.

    Tasha

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