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November 10, 2010 / theoldsilly

Hilarious Hump Day – Courtroom Comedians?

The following are actual transcripts from the hallowed halls of the courtrooms in our (the USA) great country. If you were the court reporter, could you keep a straight face?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20 , much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them … the live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And lastly, my favourite …

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

~~~~~

Credits: These quotes are taken from the book, Disorder in the American Courts.

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16 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. Stanley Berber / Nov 10 2010 5:27 am

    LOL! Too funny! Unless, of course, you were in court with your future in the balance and being represented by one of these lames!

  2. Cactus Annie / Nov 10 2010 6:23 am

    I almost spit out my coffee on several of these, lol – good grief! Thanks for the Hump Day yuks, Old Silly! πŸ™‚

  3. Mary / Nov 10 2010 6:35 am

    These are great. If I Tweeted, I would tweet this post. Since I don’t, I forwarded it to friends.

  4. Margaret Fieland / Nov 10 2010 8:23 am

    This is absolutely hilarious. Thank goodness I wasn’t drinking my coffee, because my monitor would never have been the same!

  5. Ron Berry / Nov 10 2010 10:04 am

    These morons passed what bar exam? I suspect it was the fact that they passed O’Tooles bar on the way to home.

  6. Arlee Bird / Nov 10 2010 2:08 pm

    Absolutely hilarious! These are classics.

    Lee
    Tossing It Out

  7. Heather Paye / Nov 10 2010 2:34 pm

    Hallarious post, Marvin! It made my day!

  8. ReformingGeek / Nov 10 2010 2:35 pm

    Hilarious, indeed!

    The result of people not engaging their brains before speaking is good blog fodder.

  9. Helen Ginger / Nov 11 2010 8:25 am

    Thank you, Marvin. Those were so funny.

  10. Alex J. Cavanaugh / Nov 11 2010 8:37 am

    The getting laid answer was good!

  11. tashabud / Nov 11 2010 9:10 am

    These are hilarious. Your post made my day.

    Sorry, Old Silly, I haven’t been able to follow your VBT. Life got in the way again. Have a few hours of down time for myself to visit around.

    By the way, I’ve already read your latest book. I like it a lot. One of these days, when I have time to compost a decent book review, I’ll let you know when it happens.

    Best wishes again on your latest book.

    Tasha

    • tashabud / Nov 12 2010 2:23 am

      Woops! I meant to say “compose” not compost. LOL.

      • theoldsilly / Nov 12 2010 5:29 am

        Teehee, I knew what you meant. Kind of funny ironic, too, since I am also, besides a writer, an organic compost maker!

    • theoldsilly / Nov 12 2010 5:28 am

      Thanks, Tasha, I will look forward to your review! After posting it, could you please pub it up on Amazon, too?

  12. Stephen Tremp / Nov 12 2010 1:51 am

    Your Hilarious Humpdays and Diane’s Weekend Funnies help keep me going. Thanks for the chuckles. Lawyer jokes are always funny.

  13. Kissie / Nov 16 2010 9:45 am

    Yeah, your favorite is mine too.

    I’m loving this CommentLuv plugin you’ve added. πŸ™‚

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